Rockville Centre — The question has been popped. So has the champagne. You are officially engaged. Now what?
It’s time to get to church. Before the caterer, the photographer, or the band, the first call should be to your parish office to set up an appointment with a priest, deacon or someone who serves in marriage ministry.
“This is such a great moment,” said Kathleen Logan, who in her role as associate director for family ministry in the Office of Faith Formation coordinates marriage preparation programs in the diocese. The Church, through the local parish and diocese, wants to assist couples to understand the sacramental aspects of marriage, she said.
The initial call to your parish is about more than just securing the date at the church — although that’s an important detail. The church’s representative is there “to help the couple understand the beauty, the God focus, of their chosen vocation,” explained Father Anthony Stanganelli, pastor at Holy Spirit parish, New Hyde Park.
“If an engagement is seen as a vocational call, we need to help them understand the divine nature of that call,” Father Stanganelli said. “This is the most beautiful time of a couple’s lives. We want to support them, to make this time really a celebration and to support them later on in their vocation.”
“If God is inviting them (to a marriage vocation), then God is also equipping them,” he added.
Logan explained that the Diocese of Rockville Centre offers several marriage preparation program options, commonly called pre-Cana, referring to the wedding at Cana where Jesus performed his first miracle.
“Couples should contact their parish first. Marriage preparation should take place in the parish and be guided by the parish,” she stressed. One of her office’s roles is to provide support and training for parish programs. However, she noted, “if the parish is not offering pre-Cana or the couple can’t make it when they are, they can go through the diocese.”
The options offered through parishes and the diocesan office include Saturday/Sunday marriage preparation, which meets from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. on both days; weeknight programs which run one day a week for either four consecutive weeks (three-hour sessions) or six weeks (two-hour sessions); Sunday Process, which meets two consecutive Sundays from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.; and the Engaged Encounter, a weekend retreat experience.
No matter which form you chose, according to Logan, the same topics will be presented — “choosing to get married; what does sacramental marriage mean; the difference between what society sees as a contract, but we see as a covenant; communication; conflict resolution skills; importance of forgiveness; how your family of origin affects you; Christian parenting; human sexuality and intimacy; Natural Family Planning; and preparing for the wedding liturgy.”
After the initial parish meeting, the next step for all couples is to take the FOCCUS inventory, a self-assessment tool designed to assist couples in learning about themselves and each other. FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding and Study), asks 156 questions of each participant.
“The FOCCUS inventory is a great tool,” said Logan, who noted that this year people can answer the questions online.
Each person answers the questions separately. The results are sent to the facilitators of the marriage preparation program the couple will attend. The program facilitators give a presentation on how to work with the results before giving each couple their report and time to discuss it.
“It is only between the couple,” said Logan. “The results identify areas for discussion. We give them time to discuss. The facilitator or host couple will offer help if it is wanted.”
The FOCCUS looks at specific issues, but its overriding benefit is to encourage and develop communications skills, according to Logan. Because these issues will change during the marriage, couples return the report at the end of the session. If the couple feels they need to continue the discussion, the report will be forwarded to their parish, so they can have continued counseling.
“We want to make this time (of engagement) really celebrative,” said Father Stanganelli. “What we’re about is helping them to develop the tools to live out this vocation.”
He added that the Church can help the couple “de-stress” during the preparation of the wedding ceremony and reception. “This is something monumental” in the couple’s life, making a big celebration very appropriate, Father Staganelli said. “We’re not here to give them a hard time. We can help them focus on the joy of the moment by helping them understand why it is so important.”
All marriage preparation programs include a time for socializing, said Logan, noting that the “host couples, with their openness and willingness to share, are a great witness for the engaged couples.”
The diocese also offers specialized marriage preparation programs for interfaith couples and for older couples and those who have been previously married. There are three scheduled Natural Family Planning (NFP) trainings scheduled each year, and other NFP trainings can be arranged to meet a couple’s schedule.
Full information about marriage preparation is available on the diocesan Web site at www. drvc-faith.org/marriageprep.html or by calling the Office of Faith Formation at 516-678-5800.
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